Expectations — Am I travelling to run away from them?

Everyone has expectations of themselves and the world around them. They are our goals for ourselves, and for others. Whether or not we have them, Expectations are unavoidable. They are shoved in our faces every day. Our Family. Our Teachers. Our Friends. Our Colleagues. Our Managers. And these expectations serve as motivation for many people to take steps in the direction they believe will lead to reaching their goal. But I feel different. Through this article I am answering the questions that I ask myself. Are expectations really weighing me down? Do they hold me back? And do I travel to avoid them?

First things first, as expectations are unavoidable — running away from them is impossible. I have left my home many times to find new adventures-especially when I am in the midst of a stressful situation or had a fight with my mother or just wanted a change. And I have returned back every time, excitedly anticipating the comforts of my own bed and familiar routines; or maybe even because I’ve been gone long enough that I was looking forward to seeing my family again.

And I have to confess. I am afraid of expectations. Unlike others who are motivated or inspired by expectations, I am pessimistic about them. I always think about what happens if I can’t do what others are expecting from me. How would they feel about me? Would they judge me and push me away if I can’t live up to their expectations? Funny thing is here, I pushed people away thinking they will do it anyways. I have done and said things to my friends that probably made them think about me as some weirdo. I have fell in love with an amazing girl and broke her heart because she expected more from me. So here I am, alone in the dark, thinking and writing this article about why I am so terrified of expectations. While these expectations in themselves were enough to make me pull myself away from my friends, family and the society in general, as I grew older, responsibilities started to build up.

I am expected to take care of the family. And all throughout my life, I have been exposed to this expectation. My mother has always been there for me and is also one of the reason I was able to travel soo freely. I was sure if something was to happen, I can always go back home to my mother. And even though my mother keeps saying I don’t have to take care of here, I feel obligated to be there for her, even more as she’s the only one in the house. Obligated being the keyword. Expectation is the focal point of identity, as it is what creates an idea of self. But responsibilities are on a whole new level. And I don’t want to do this. And the though that I don’t want to take care of my family is killing me. I look at myself as a villain in a story or someone who is not just incapable of love but also undeserving of it.

And do you know what my grand plans are for solving this?

Travel. Or maybe I should call it what it is. Running away. When I travel, I meet people for these short intense moments where I can connect with them deeply yet there is no time to develop high level of expectations. Also, since I meet travellers all the time, all we really care are just experiences. That thrill and adrenaline that pumps into me is enough to negate all those negative emotions and thoughts about my actual responsibilities and expectations. Solo backpacking is good for you. It teaches you that you don’t need anyone else to survive or to be happy. But if someone asks me if it is the way you want to live forever? I don’t know. I definitely don’t want to live forever.

I am sure I am travelling to run away from what people close to me expect from me back home. I am running away from all those unwritten responsibilities and obligations. I am running away to find a new start.

A lot of work to do, no time to be free

All this noise and I just want to flee

I’m tired of trying to please them all

And I’m tired of feeling like I’m never good enough

My heart’s telling me it’s not worth it

But my heart’s also telling me it’s not the right thing

I need a change, But do I need to change?

Is this the path to becoming self-estranged.